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On the Other Side of the Material World/Unsuccessful Attempts to Get out of the “Pitfall”
Unsuccessful Attempts to Get out of the “Pitfall”
Our Divine Teachers talked with me every day, trying to get me out of a state of complete prostration. I simply could not cope with my emotions. But unshakable belief that all obstacles are overcome, helped me somehow “to stay afloat.”
For example, I remember how in the day, when I said goodbye to Vladimir, I almost lost the ground from under the feet: the body numbed and would not listen. But suddenly, I clearly saw and felt a huge Palm of Babaji, which He put under my body, as if preventing a deeper fall.
I immediately realized: if I let myself get upset even more, then to get out of this pitfall and cleanse myself — it will be extremely difficult, if even possible...
Suddenly I felt at that moment huge relief: Babaji filled me with His Love! My thoughts immediately shifted to thinking about what was the best I could do in the present situation.
Surely, I had to see all my mistakes — and think how it would be possible to act in those situations in a different way, correctly.
And, of course, I had to “gain a foothold” on the Palm of Babaji, fully entrusting myself and my life — to Him. But such awareness turned out to be not immediate and with great difficulty.
After the departure of Vladimir, my emotions, like a pendulum, were swinging in one and then in another. Immersed in self-incrimination, sometimes I could not even get out of bed in the morning because of the severity of thought. At such times, God most clearly conveyed to me His Admonitions. Almost all familiar to me Divine Teachers came to me.
On the topic of my emotions, Don Juan and Genaro communicated with me in Their special philosophical and narrative manner, which took root in the course of my own thoughts, and played with my self-obsession:
“You with envy are looking into the distance on the holders of wings! But you again and again find yourself being thrown by your own faults — to heal the non-healing scars of sadness and longing...
“Do you want? — I’ll teach you to soar the heights, to learn to be different. You will fly above the stars, touch — from there — the Sun and the Earth! I am willing to teach you how to be lively and cheerful! Watch for My flight!
“You now are destroyed by your own thoughts! Being such — you will live your life in vain, although it could be possible to achieve a balance and stand still in blissful calm — just... by simply ‘coming out of this game!’
“Here, you yourself are poking into the sore spot — the ulcer in the soul... — and there is from here sadness, grief, despair...
“But the best is — to stop! Stay with Me!
“You like your wounds! They give a special ‘weight’ to their owners, thereby standing out from others!
“And you are trying to heal your wounds inflicted by... yourself!
“But better — to wrap up with clouds! And understand how beautiful life is! In the vast sky, there is nothing that would prevent you from soaring!... Love the Earth shrouded in mystery! Fall in love with it — like We love it!
“Sadness — only immerses deeper into apathy!
“You do know how ugly is the life you are now living! And you are throwing yourself in all directions to escape it. But the exit is here: right here in front of you! It is in your hands — to bring yourself out from your own limits and restrictions!
“Only a few will understand what I said. People are used to thinking on their own, available for them, level of understanding. So Nagual remains for them an ‘otherworldly mystery.’
“But only love can create the right relationships between a human being and Me!
“Your mind is the instigator of your strifes and troubles! It plunges you into depression and does not want to let you go! It is just a manifestation of the weak ‘lower i’ typically governing your life! But turn it to your assistant!”
... I noticed that God speaks to each “in his or her own language,” using the individual terminology and vocabulary that are inherent to this person. I, for example, like always the imaginative presentations and comparisons: it is easier to capture the essence of what was said and was obtained. But for someone else, such explanations may seem confusing, incomprehensible.
I have not been able to pick up clearly everything said by Them. Sometimes I could not distinguish the line between where my thoughts are — and where God speaks. But that was a matter of practice — to learn this distinction.
And once Avicenna came to me... It was very sudden, I even specifically asked later Anna: can it be possible?
God sometimes “turns up” in the flow of our thoughts, when He sees that some of our thoughts need to be developed or changed — to help this person to understand and give up fears and anxieties. I that time had no one, save God, with whom I could share my experiences, and it was very painful...
Although… suffering is experienced only by a small personal “i”. For the Divine “I” such emotions are unrelated!